Woman vs. Woman 🥊
The internalization of competing with other women, ultimately for a man's attention, is SO ingrained in me and other women that I’m not sure when it started to become conscious in my mind or start to realize the idea. But I can pinpoint the exact point that I said "omg what am I doing? why am I putting this random girl down in my mind….wtf Amanda"
Gym Storytime 🏋🏼♀️
At the gym about 6 months ago now, I was walking on the treadmill, people watching, as one does on the treadmill because it's dreadful. I was watching this new girl, who I noticed of course because she was new AND also because she was very attractive. My first thought without me even having to put any effort into it was some variation of “fck she’s really pretty” and I instantly started in my mind to pick her apart.
Granted her outfit was definitely on purpose to look cute but like…who wants to look unattractive and ugly?? So in my mind I'm making up all these stories of
"I bet she’s a b*tch just from her face and the sass way she walks", and "dude she knows what she’s doing with that sports bra…cleavage everywhere,""I feel like your shorts DONT need to be up your a**" ETC.
This went on like this for, let's say…3 weeks or so until she became a legit regular. And I was like "omg Amanda this is now every day you’re doing this, why??? You have no idea who this girl is."
Feeling inferior is NOT a reason to put other women down.
It then hit me what I was doing— I was putting this girl down in my mind based on the fact that I thought she was attractive and therefore seeking attention and therefore trying to take any of MY attention, if I was even getting any.
She had done NOTHING but exist. NOTHING. I suddenly had the thought "omg are other girls doing this to me…?....omg they’re probably doing that to me right now!"And the f*cked up cycle goes around.
I said, "Amanda you need to stop this for your own sanity." So the next day, me and this girl both happened to be in the fake turf area together. I decided this is enough, I'm going to say hi to this girl and stop this negative cycle in your head just because you’re feeling some kind of threat that isn’t even there.
"Hey Girl Wassup" 😘
So I walked by her on my way to get a mat and said “hey I like your leggings.” That was it. She instantly stopped her headphones and beamed a smile at me and said "thanks! I like yours too! I like that yours match. where did you get them?”
We then had a 10-minute conversation where we were sharing phones to show Amazon cart history, exchanged names, made jokes, she even felt my leggings because she wanted to see the material thickness, etc.
It was one of the most heart warming things I’ve ever done and weirdly one of the braver things too.
I haven’t seen her in a few months, I assumed she switched schedules or something (hopefully she’s not dead), but for months after that we’d say hi and chat, walk together on the treadmill sometimes, etc.
Mental Flipping: Competition into Human Beings
Once I started that first conversation and got out of my head to talk to who I had deemed as “the most attractive female in the gym” and therefore competition, I knew that the rest of the stuff in my head was bullsh*t. I then started doing the same thing to other girls I had similar feelings about.
People Probably Think Mean Things About You Too 😮
Another quick example: another girl I had been jealous of because I liked her butt, which I'm trying to grow, I started a conversation. At one point, she complimented my arms and my waist and then said something like
“I wish I had the confidence to wear a crop top too…that’s why I wear baggy Tees and leggings... I lost about 30lbs but I still feel like that chubby me.”
When she said this it hit me so hard and in a way, I'm not even sure how to describe it. She was doing the same thing I was doing to her but for different reasons—she wanted to be tall and lean like me and I wanted to be plumper like her. Society and comparisons had us wanting what we didn't have and I’m sure she was also making things up in her mind about me simply because she in some way felt inferior to me.
She’s just another human with thoughts and feelings basically identical to my own.
I was like nope! I told her “girl…you look amazing. Your a*s is what I’m striving you and you can wear whatever you want. Go put on a crop top. Wear just a sports bra. You look amazing. F that."
We had such an honest conversation that I no longer felt any jealousy or anything negative again about her because obviously, she’s just another human with thoughts and feelings basically identical to my own.
We're All Insecure Creatures Who Need a Little Boost 🙈
If you see another girl you find yourself negatively compare yourself to, the best and quickest way to stop this: walk up to her and hype her up. It humanizes these women you build up and you realize YOURE THE SAME. Hype other women up. We already feel sh*tty enough as it is for most of the things we do in life.
I've had many more woman hype-up interactions since these 2 interactions but these first 2 interactions with those 2 beautiful women opened up a door for me that I don’t know why I ever locked and hid.
Being a Mean Girl Is Bad, Mkay?
Remember in the classic movie "Mean Girls" in the scene where Lindsay Lohan's character is trying to solve a math problem in this mathlete competition and she is putting the other girls appearance down? The classic “the limit does not exist!” scene? You know it. In it, she quickly realized that putting this girl down was NOT going to help her solve the problem. So she started trying to solve the problem and realize this girl was just a person too who was trying to solve the SAME problem.
In the case of me personally, it’s feeling insecure in some way that I do this. But putting other women down...it doesn’t help you. It only hurts both of you. Makes you create negativity in your mind and then this other woman is an "other" who you're never connecting with and she's going through the SAME stuff. So everyone ends up lonely, disconnected, and feeling sh*tty about themselves.
Where's the Love? ❤️
CHALLENGE: Next time you find yourself thinking something negative about another woman, tell her. Walk up to her and tell her.
So if you're thinking something like "wow she's just going for it in that outfit..." Reframe it in your mind what you're really feeling because odds are it's something like: "I love how confident you are to wear that. I wish I was able to have that confidence too." I PROMISE you she'll hype you up too. The root of this negativity is, in my opinion, 9/10 is feeling inferior in some way. Cut that sh*t out. You're a beautiful, smart, kind, funny, diamond and you don't need to compete with NObody.
CLIFF NOTES: 🧗🏻♀️
Feeling inferior is NOT a reason to put other women down. It’s not your fault but it IS your problem to solve. Today we talked about:
the constant woman vs. woman comparisons
how stupid and unhealthy this negative thinking is
how to quickly kill these thoughts and feelings
how to connect with other women in a more authentic way and make friends :)
Where to Listen to this Episode:
Mentioned on this episode of the Bare Minimum Babe™ podcast:
Mean Girls (competition scene): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaKjhk4P8_o
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